Coming Soon to Loose Id Books..!

Ancient Eirin is no place for the fainthearted but Kate must find her grandfather and Matt a legendary relic in this time not their own. They spark and spar and watch each others' backs, but only love will see them home.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Modern Thinking...

...in ancient times.

"All formal dogmatic religions are fallacious and must never be accept by self-respecting persons as final."

"Reserve your right to think, for even to think wrongly is better than not to think at all."

Hypatia of Alexandria c. 380 - 415

Mathematical genius, natural philosopher, astronomer, Hypatia was the last Chief Librarian of the Great Library before its destruction. Much loved and respected by the citizens, she was murdered by being flayed alive at the hands of a Christian mob. They were acting on the orders of the bishop of the city who was jealous of her popularity and hated her femininity.

Whatever the religion espoused, some things never seem to change...

A Reader's Review...

From Ellen on the Love Romances loop.

"I won a copy of Mr. Grey & the Hotel Ghosts (Liquid Silver) by A J Matthews during the bash... just wanted to say that I enjoyed it! Loved the idea of Grey's profession - a "ghost buster" or de-haunter.

Ellen

Find Hotel Ghosts and the second in the series, Mr. Grey and the Spirit from the Sky at Liquid Silver Books

Bitz n' Bobz...

So, nothing much happening yet. I'm in the middle of the last batch of edits on The Collector 3: Cauldron, my novel of the collaborative series with other Loose Id authors. The other titles are:- The Collector 1: Magical Chances by Mechele Armstrong, and The Collector 2: Grave Heart, by Emily Veinglory, which has just been released. Check out the website dedicated to The Collector.

I'll be undertaking more editing on Lady in White, the next in the Mr. Grey series soon.

Between Times...

I'm not the best of bloggers. Anyone glancing over the frequency of posts these last few weeks can see that. The only time I kept a diary was at junior school (4th - 6th grade in the US) and that was only because we had to. The teacher would call us up to his/her/its desk with it and read it - not out loud, thankfully - but it still felt like an intrusion. I guess that put me off keeping a diary and, by extension - a blog. Don't worry - I'm overcoming it!

So, now I have found inclination, time and energy, what to talk about? The next novel in my Mr. Grey series will be going through the editorial process over the next few weeks, with a release date in time for Thanksgiving. Appropriate, since the story itself is set on and around that time. It will be found at Liquid Silver Books, along with the other two titles, Mr. Grey and the Hotel Ghosts and Mr. Grey and the Spirit from the Sky. I have a whole raft of ideas for the sexy spook-hunters, and I'm working on a couple of storylines now. In the meantime, Cauldron of Fire, a new novel as part of The Collector series at Loose Id Books is halfway through the process, with a provisional release date in December.

Stay tuned at my website, Ajay's Den for details!

Party Poopers Lonely Hearts Club Band…

Taken from the new book "They call me naughty Lola," by David Rose, featuring genuine lonely heart advertisements in a noted London newspaper. Published by Profile Books UK. All copyrights acknowledged.

~~~~~~~~~

"Tired of feeling patronized by the ads in this column? Then I'm not the woman for you, little man. Today you may be benighted and insignificant, tomorrow you'll be even more so. Now, off you go. "

"Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite. "

"Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth, seeks…"

"Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad. "

"Bastard – complete and utter. Whatever you do, don't reply – you'll only regret it. (Man, 38) "

"My mind is a globe of excitement. My heart is an atlas of generosity. My body is a map of struggle. You can camp-out on the flat heaths, but careful where you tread and remember to close all gates behind you. Akela of desire (F 38) seeks orienteering male to 45 for nights of bluster and queuing for the showers... "

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Edits & Quote of the Day.

I began the editing process on Cauldron of Fire, my novel in The Collector series published by Loose Id Books. It's never an easy process but has to be done to get the best from a work for the readers.

Meanwhile, a quote...

"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."

Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons.

Now that has got to hurt!

I came across this image on the web the other day. Couldn't really believe my eyes! It looks cute, but ouch!

Hands up all those who'd go to this extent to impress someone?

On Writing...

It's not easy being a writer, but it's usually fun. Usually. The great movie actor David Niven wrote some wonderful autobiographies of his career, but he really didn't feel comfortable with the process of writing. He once said that the sight of an aircraft flying overhead was a godsend when he was typing outside in the garden. He'd stop and watch it pass out of sight, so he didn't have to write.

Most times the simplest cure is BOCFOK = Butt On Chair, Fingers On Keyboard. You may not feel you can write anything, that the inspiration is lacking. Trust me, when you do BOCFOK, and just begin to write - anything that comes into your head - the words will come.

I'm delighted to announce that Liquid Silver Books has accepted a new Mr. Grey novel, Lady in White, featuring the sexy spook-hunting duo of Martin Grey and Claudia Mackenzie! Stay tuned for release details!

Nice work if you can get it...

Advertisement for staff seen outside a restaurant in Lossiemouth, Scotland.

"Man wanted to wash up crockery and utensils and two waitresses..."

So I got to do something besides write, right?

From time to time I go back to an old hobby, painting miniature metal figurines. Above are a pair of beauties I painted up for friends. I proudly present "GI Josie" and "The Wanton Witch."

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
----------------------------------------------------------

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8
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"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4

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"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5

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"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6

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"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4

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"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7

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"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.

My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"

Emily - age 8

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"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7

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"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"

Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

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"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday"

Noelle - age 7

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"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6

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"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8

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"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - age 6

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"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5

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"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt."

Chris - age 7

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"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4

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"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4

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"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

Karen - age 7

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"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8

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And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a recent poll of 1,000 Americans 57% recognized Harry Potter, but fewer than 50% recognized British Prime Minister Tony Blair - in spite of his buddy-buddy relationship with President Bush. This is quite right and proper too, as on the global scale of things Harry Potter is by far the more important figure.

And no, I'm not being sarcastic ;)

Ever wonder what your partner is really saying? Here is what they say, and what it really means:

Did you come? == Because I didn't.

I have something to tell you. == Get tested.

I'm a Romantic. == I'm poor.

I'll give you a call. == I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.

Trust me. == I'm cheating on you.

I love you. == You're a good lay.

I think we should just be friends. == You're ugly.

Haven't I seen you before? == Nice ass.

I want to make love to you. == Let's fuck.

Was it good for you? == I'm insecure about my manhood.

We need to talk. == I'm pregnant.

I had a wonderful time last night. == Who the hell are you?

I've been thinking a lot. == You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I've learned a lot from you. == Next!

I want a commitment. == I'm sick of my dildo.

I think we should see other people. == I have been seeing other people.

Let's get married. == Now can we fuck?

We don't have to do anything until you are ready. == Put out or get out.

I feel it's time to express our love for each other. == Give me head.

I still think about you. == I miss the sex.

Is there something wrong? == Is it supposed to be this soft?

You're so mature. == I hope you're eighteen.

Yes...Yes..."scream!" == Aren't you done yet?

A man wrote this response…

"I need some space" = Without you in it.

"It's not the size that counts." = Wow! I didn't know they made them that small.

"I just like big cars." = I have an incredibly small penis

"I could never want anyone else but you." = I've given up hope of ever finding anything better

"I'm a social drinker." = One drink and I'm singing Boogie Shoes on top of a table

"I love when you look into my eyes when we're making love." = Dude, you're creeping me out!

"Sure honey, I'd love to have a threesome" = Our third can be my divorce lawyer

"So, how was your day?" = I've run out anything interesting to read to pass the time until I can ask you for sex.

"Yups, it's a real diamond." = So shut up already!

"We have an understanding." = We understand enough to not talk to each other

"Do you think you wanna have kids someday?" = Cuz you got one coming in about 8 months

"Let's get married!" = Muhahahahaha, now I have you in my clutches!

"Have fun at your bachelor party!" = Better enjoy the tits you see cuz they're gonna be the last ones you see for a long time.

"Oooh, that sounds like a great way to spice up our sex life." = Not on your life!

"What time is it?" = Gods you're boring!

"I have an early morning." = Of getting the hell away from you as fast as I can.

"It's not you, it's me." = It's YOU!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Modern times.

Once again a bunch of lunatics seem to want to impose their will on the people of Britain. Flights from the UK have been disrupted because of a critical-level terrorist threat to destroy ten airliners bound for America with all aboard.

These people, whoever they are and whatever their aims, have failed to do more than annoy the public. They have failed to do more than annoy and irritate me. I have good friends in the USA, and when I wish to travel to visit them, I shall do so.

Also interviewed this month -

guest author

Kayelle Allen

http://ajaymatthews.com

Interview with Celine Chatillon on my website!

Go to:- http://ajaymatthews.com

Out Now

at

http://www.liquidsilverbooks.com

Out tomorrow

at

Liquid Silver Books!

Back in the UK...

I'm back home again, after the Coach Journey from Hell. Five hours in a coach lacking air-con and a functioning toilet? Ewww! No fun!

Oh well, 'tis over, and I'm gradually getting over the jet-lag and rejoining the land of the living =) I had a great time in the USA, and look forward to being there again. It was fun marching out with the 78th Frazer's Highlanders, although it was far from cool weather! I'll post some pics here and on my website tomorrow.

Back in the 21st Century once more...

I'm back, battle-scarred and reekin' of black powder smoke from the re-enactment event with the 78th Frazer Highlanders at Theataki at Bourbonnais, Il. Even though we were camped-out between the trees, the heat was gods-awful and I was really glad to be wearing a kilt =) The only guys who would've been cooler than us were those playing the part of the native warriors, who weren't wearing much of anything that I could see...

A good time was had by all, with many Frenchmen killed and aye, all the better for it, laddie. I bowed out of the last battle of the weekend as it was wayyyy too hot for my un-acclimated English blood (know your limits, folks!), but I took some excellent photographs of the action which I'll post here and /or on my website in the next few weeks.

http://ajaymatthews.com

One idiot of an "officer" presumed to criticize my British accent, saying it was so bad it was unbelievable! =) I would've offered to show him my passport but quite frankly, his reputation for being a pathetic twit had preceeded him - so I didn't bother wasting my breath. And we all know the reason why he set off that cannon at midnight on Saturday, waking the whole camp...

But the rest of the folks were great! If I needed any guidance with uniform, weaponry and accoutrements there was always someone happy to help. If I needed an explanation of an historical detail of the 1750-60's the knowledge was there. The same willingness was extended to the many visitors who came down to the camp to look around, which I know they appreciated.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Update!

My new book, Mr. Grey and the Spirit from the Sky is published on Monday 24th July! I'll be blogging next Monday on Liquid Silver SExpressions too, and I may run a competition (jet lag permitting) to celebrate. Stay tuned for details...

Coming Soon...

My new book Mr. Grey and the Spirit from the Sky will be released in mid-August! Stay posted for details...

www.liquidsilverbooks.com

Another Review!

"I highly recommend Mr. Grey and the Hotel Ghosts. The author has a real talent."

Annie, for Joyfully Reviewed.

www.joyfullyreviewed.com/reviews

A Review...

Enchanted Ramblings - Review of Mr. Grey and the Hotel Ghosts by Autiotalo.

"An unusual and original plot, beautifully written with considerable skill and charm."

Six Magical Wands awarded!

To read the rest of the review, click the link!

http://www.enchantedramblings.net/reviews/review0116.html

BUTTER vs. MARGARINE

DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter? Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

Both have the same amount of calories. Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.

Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.

Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!

Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.

Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.

And now, for Margarine...

Very high in trans-fatty acids... Triple risk of coronary heart disease.

Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol). Lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol) ....

Increases the risk of cancers by up to five fold... Lowers quality of breast milk... Decreases immune response... Decreases insulin response.

And here is the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING! Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC...

This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

YOU can try this yourself: purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things: no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something) . It does not rot or smell differently. Because it has no nutritional value, nothing will grow on it, even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

Share This With Your Friends.....(Butter them up!)

FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (Lovers of Words)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He didn't break into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Modern Times...

Some modern office jargon and their definitions =)

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example or any thing having to do with Michael Jackson. Add any reality show such as Wife Swap, Super Nanny, etc.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Also known as the School of the Bigger Hammer.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email, by mistake)

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks. (Love this one!)

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

20. VOLUNTOLD: When your supervisor or someone above that person asks you to do something while making it very clear your answer must be "yes."

Good Girls/Bad Girls-- A man's response…

Good girls would never be arrested

Bad Girls own their own handcuffs.

Good girls mind their manners and say "Please, come with me."

Bad Girls mind their manners and say "Please, cum in me!"

Good girls own at least one leather belt

Bad girls own at least one leather whip

Good girls pull their hair back to keep it out of their face while out with friends

Bad girls have someone else pull their hair back to keep it out of their face while puking

Good girls rarely drink

Bad girls always swallow

Good girls can be won over with chocolate in a box

Bad girls will win you over with chocolate on their bodies

Good girls wait until marriage for sex

Bad girls wait until they know your name.... usually

Good girls want a house in the suburbs with 2.3 kids and a dog

Bad girls get those after stealing the good girl's husband.

Good girls get pregnant

Bad girls get knocked up

Good girls have mirrors in their bathroom for make up

Bad girls have mirrors on their bedroom ceilings...

...And some more.


"I need some space" = Without you in it.

"It's not the size that counts." = Wow! I didn't know they made them that small.

"I just like big cars." = I have an incredibly small penis

"I could never want anyone else but you." = I've given up hope of ever finding anything better

"I'm a social drinker." = One drink and I'm singing Boogie Shoes on top of a table

"I love when you look into my eyes when we're making love." = Dude, you're creeping me out!

"Sure honey, I'd love to have a threesome" = Our third can be my divorce lawyer

"So, how was your day?" = I've run out anything interesting to read to pass the time until I can ask you for sex.

"Yups, it's a real diamond." = So shut up already!

"We have an understanding." = We understand enough to not talk to each other

"Do you think you wanna have kids someday?" = Cuz you got one coming in about 8 months

"Let's get married!" = Muhahahahaha, now I have you in my clutches!

"Have fun at your bachelor party!" = Better enjoy the tits you see cuz they're gonna be the last ones you see for a long time.

"Oooh, that sounds like a great way to spice up our sex life." = Not on your life!

"What time is it?" = Gods you're boring!

"I have an early morning." = Of getting the hell away from you as fast as I can.

"It's not you, it's me." = It's YOU!

Have a nice day!

Sexual Translations


Ever wonder what your partner is really saying? Here is what they say, and what it really means:

Did you come? == Because I didn't.

I have something to tell you. == Get tested.

I'm a Romantic. == I'm poor.

I'll give you a call. == I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.

Trust me. == I'm cheating on you.

I love you. == You're a good lay.

I think we should just be friends. == You're ugly.

Haven't I seen you before? == Nice ass.

I want to make love to you. == Let's fuck.

Was it good for you? == I'm insecure about my manhood.

We need to talk. == I'm pregnant.

I had a wonderful time last night. == Who the hell are you?

I've been thinking a lot. == You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I've learned a lot from you. == Next!

I want a commitment. == I'm sick of my dildo.

I think we should see other people. == I have been seeing other people.

Let's get married. == Now can we fuck?

We don't have to do anything until you are ready. == Put out or get out.

I feel it's time to express our love for each other. == Give me head.

I still think about you. == I miss the sex.

Is there something wrong? == Is it supposed to be this soft?

You're so mature. == I hope you're eighteen.

Yes...Yes...YESSS "scream!" == Aren't you done yet..?

Everyday thoughts...

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-

20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

26. My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).

27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

29. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!

30. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

31. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when he Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier".

Have A Happy Day!

Today's Subject: Orgasms!

Sex in a boat -- oar-gasms.

Sex with a nerd -- dork-gasms.

Sex at the entrance to your house -- door-gasms.

Sex on carpet or linoleum -- floor-gasms.

Sex at the supermarket -- store-gasms.

Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.

Sex with a prostitute -- whore-gasms.

Sex with an accountant -- bore-gasms.

Sex while sleeping -- snore-gasms.

Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.

Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.

Sex while broke -- poor-gasms.

Sex with a lion -- roar-gasms.

Sex for hours and hours on end -- sore-gasms.

Sex on a golf course -- fore-gasms.

Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) -- more-gasms.

Sex in a gold mine -- ore-gasms.

Sex with a dermatologist -- pore-gasms.

Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.

Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.

Sex with a bullfighter -- toreador-gasms.

Sex with a masked man carrying a sword -- zorro-gasms.

Sex on the beach -- shore-gasms.

Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet -- smorgasbord-gasms.

Sex on a cruise ship deck -- shuffleboard-gasms.

Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.

Sex among the wonders of nature -- outdoor-gasms.

Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can -- odor-gasms.

Sex on the way to the train -- 'All Aboard'-gasms.

Sex that wasn't very satisfying -- 'There's the door'-gasms.

Sex in an adult theater -- hard-core-gasms.

Sex with someone who's not paying attention -- ignore-gasms.

Sex with a competitive partner -- score-gasms.

Sex while flying -- soar-gasms.

Sex with a beloved partner -- adore-gasms.

Sex with a meat-eater -- carnivore-gasms.

Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo -- pompadore-gasms.

Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes -- velour-gasms.

Sex while traveling -- tour-gasms.

Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.

Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.

Sex on stairs at the mall -- escalator-gasms.

Sex with three of your friends -- four-gasms.

Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.

Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms

New Definitions.

Airplane Blonde - One with bleached hair who still has a black box

Aussie Kiss - Like a French kiss, but downunder

Beaver Leaver - Homosexual male

BOBFOC - Body off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch

Bunny-Boiler - An unhinged and overly-possessive woman, from the rabbit boiling scene in "Fatal Attraction"

Crappuccino - A particularly frothy type of diarrhea

Drink-Link - An ATM, commonly visited prior to going out for a few

Frigamarole - Unnecessary and tome-consuming foreplay

Greyhound- A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare

Mumbler - An attractive female in tight jeans, shorts, etc. You can see the 'lips' moving, but can't quite make out what they are saying

One in the Departure Lounge - the need to take a crap immediately

Salad Dodger - A phrase for an overweight person

Swamp Donkey - A deeply unattractive woman

Titanic - A woman who goes down the first time out...

You couldn't make it up - II

A teenage boy in China was saved by police at the last minute as he tried to stop an express train with a kung-fu kick...

The local council of a suburb in Sydney, Australia, recently announced plans to drive away hooligans by playing Barry Manilow records at them...

Also in Australia. Local Councils in Queensland are demanding a ban on authorized brothels near cemeteries because they believe "the two don't mix..."

Berlin, Germany. The city's sparkling new $850 million railroad station is the biggest in Europe and caters for 30,000 travelers a day. The trouble is, it only has one public washroom...

Bring on the clowns... Kuala Lumpur, Indionesia. Public washrooms are to undergo a total facelift with urinals shaped like musical instruments, clowns' faces and open mouth with painted lips...

A zoo in Belarus reports a near constant queue for its psychological stress relief room where those in need can have a ten-minute session on a couch talking to monkeys...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who Cares About Soccer? - A Rant!

Who cares about soccer? Not me! I just can't figure it out. The Soccer World Cup started yesterday in Germany, and the entire English nation seems to be flying the flag of St. George - except me. Cars have small flagpoles flying the thing; people have draped their houses with bunting and fly the flag from makeshift flagpoles; I've seen people with the red cross on white painted on their faces and cheeks - all for the sake of supporting 11 overpaid and cosseted "stars" in the arduous process of kicking a bladder of wind up and down a field for 90 minutes or so. Turn on the TV (pick a channel, any channel...) and you'll find televised soccer. The news comes on and you can guarantee there'll be at least half the program taken up with the latest exploits on the pitch.

I don't CARE!!! There're far more important things going on in this world and soccer doesn't matter a damn!

There are hundreds of thousands of people in this country who have no interest in the sport, who just have to hunker down and try to ignore a whole month of this s-h- one - t. If you're a guy who doesn't take an interest in the "glorious game" then you're considered very odd, if not gay. I'm neither. By pure coincidence I'll be in the USA for the last two weeks of the whole sorry mess, and I'll not miss it one bit!

Normal service will now be resumed on your now officially designated soccer-free zone!

Hello..? Testing...

Ah! Everything seems to be working on here again. Just dropping by to announce I'm Blogging over at the Liquid Silver Blogspot today! Your intrepid reporter Silver collared me and pinned me down until I gave her the interview she was looking for. C'mon over and see what I said, and drool at April Martinez' cover art for my new book, Mr. Grey and the Spirit from the Sky...

Mr. Grey and the Spirit from the Sky

~ Cover art by April Martinez ~

Here's the cover to my new novel! Once again April has achieved exactly the effect I was looking for.

Brains of Britain - not!

You couldn't make it up... Some answers given on UK TV quiz shows.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quiz master: "Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court."

Contestant: "Lepers..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quiz master: "We're looking for an occupation beginning with T."

Contestant: "Doctor."

Quiz master: "Er, no. It's T for Tommy, T for Tango."

Contestant: "Oh, right. Doctor!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quiz master: "For £10, what nationality is the Pope?"

Contestant: "I think I know this one! Is it Jewish?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quiz master: "What happened in Dallas on November 22nd 1963?"

Contestant: "I don't know, I wasn't watching it then."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quiz master: "Which American actor was married to Nicole Kidman?"
Contestant: "Forrest Gump..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time Flies...

"An hour spent with an attractive woman on your lap feels like a mere five minutes. Five minutes spent sitting on a hot stove feels more like an hour." Albert Einstein.


So now I have a smidgeon over six weeks to go before I head for Indiana! That's the hot-stove part of the whole story - the next part will come when I spend three weeks there and it feels like - five minutes!

There's much to do, but plenty of time to get it all organized. As yet I've no idea when I'll be making my presence felt in some of Indy's indi bookstores, but I hope to see some of you there when I do.

By then I should also have some idea of when my next novel - Mr. Grey and the Spirit from the Sky will be published by Liquid Silver Books, and if Loose Id accepts my major novel Shadows of Paris.

As always, stay tuned for details!

Whizzzzz!


I'm finally on broadband connection and dear gods! but it's fast! A download which would've taken 3 1/2 hours by dial up took just 28 minutes. I recommend it!

Other news... It's a case of hurry-up-and-wait for the next novel edits. My other work in progress hasn't progressed very much due to work pressures, but I'm on track to finish it soon.

Joining the 21st Century...

At long last, after much dithering I've decided to opt for broadband connection. This should take place over the next two weeks. Faster dowloads, quicker connection. Marvelous!

Random thought... I was reading the contents list on the side of the shower-gel tube today (as you do), when I noticed the stuff contains PEG - polyethyleneglycol. This waxy substance is also used by marine archaeologists to preserve ancient waterlogged timber. It makes you wonder...

http://www.liquidsilverbooks.com/books/mrgreyandthehotelghosts.htm

Breaking news...

I've exchanged contracts with Liquid Silver Books for the next Mr. Grey novel, Spirit from the Sky, featuring sexy spook-hunters Martin Grey and Claudia Mackenzie. Stay tuned for further details...

Normal Service has been resumed...

The technical problem has been overcome and the interviews with Shara Lanel and Vanessa Hart are posted on my website. Check 'em out - if you can tear your eyes away from the Scottish butt below... ;)

http://ajaymatthews.com

Hong Kong Kiltie feels the wind a whistlin' doon the pass...

Going Regimental...

It's been a busy old week - but a short one for the day job. It's the Easter four-day weekend here, and I'll have plenty of time to write - and to be on tenterhooks over the two book submissions pending approval from the publishers. They're not the first I've submitted by any means, but the waiting never gets easier...

I booked my flight to the USA on Tuesday, and I leave on the 28th June for Indiana. As part of the festivities I'll be off to a French-Indian Wars re-enactment weekend over in Bourbonnais, Il. where I may have the pleasure of wearing a kilt and firing a musket :)

Other than that, I'll be in and around Indianapolis, meeting and greeting friends and new acquaintances alike, drinking copious quantities of root beer and spending a lot of time and cash in bookstores. Maybe I'll see you there..?

Due to technical problems the interviews with Vanessa Hart and Shara Lanel will be delayed until further notice.

"Computers don't bounce when you throw them out the window." Sage advice given me by my old IT tutor.

Those nice folks at Liquid Silver have asked for the full M/s of my next Mr. Grey novel! Fingers crossed they like it.

Also, tomorrow sees two new guest interviewees on my Ajay's Q & A, those lovely people Vanessa Hart and Shara Lanel. C'mon over tomorrow and see what they have to say :)

Another day at the coal face...

My workload varies with the seasons. Pre-Xmas it goes totally nuts with everyone and their hamster ordering stuff which I have to deliver soonest. Post-Xmas it's busy-ish then trails off around mid-February. So far, so mind numbingly boring.

What it means is, I get more time to write nowadays, so the WiP is getting a thorough workout. I'm up to 115,000 words. It should total around 150-160,000. Eek...

BTW, I'll be making my first guest appearance at the SEx blog Thursday. What will I talk about? You tell me. No, seriously ;)

Ahhh, another weekend! The day job was a PITA Friday, plus an electrician was fussing about doing rewiring work in the house so I couldn't use the 'puter for some hours. I was glad to come indoors from work and just fling everything down and not bloody well bother with it until Monday. Monday has got to be my least favorite day of the week...

Someone once said their ideal job was "indoor work with no heavy lifting." That describes writing for me :) There'd be nothing I'd like better than to turn professional and WRITE!

Ho hum...

So, I'm working on a story that has been banging around in my brain for years. But, it's finally taking concrete shape on the page. Whether anyone will accept it when I submit it is anyone's guess. It'll weigh in at around 150-180,000 words, so it's bit of a brute. I'll finish it, then I'll see what transpires.

And the winner of my competition is...


Kay Monte!

Well done to Kay, and many thanks to all who took part :)

A St. Patrick's Day Competition starts tomorrow on my website! Go to :-

http://ajaymatthews.com

The First Ajay's Q & A Session is now posted on my website!

My guest authors this month are Dee S. Knight and Michelle Hoppe.

Dee is a TRS 2005 CAPA Nominee, and her interview features a link to her latest work I'm no Saint, Valentine, co-written with Rhiannon Neeley.

Michelle is the award winning author of the Club Belle Tori novels, Hart's Heart and many others.

April's Q & A will feature award-winning authors Vanessa Hart and Shara Lanel!

Hit the link and go there now!

http://ajaymatthews.com

"I have six honest serving men (They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When,
And How and Where and Who..."

Rudyard Kipling (The Elephant's Child)


I'm considering featuring an interview spot for authors and would-be authors on my website! The questions will be based on the six listed above, and the page will be posted for 28 days. I'll be happy to post a banner + link along with it for any newly published or current work, plus an author's picture/image if so desired.

If interested, please contact me on:- aj@ajaymatthews.com

Thanks!

By popular request (Hi Paige! ;) I can say my work in progress is called Cauldron of Fire. The story involves a quest in the Ireland of Celtic legend and will feature heaps of action, romance, and steamy sex!

Dear gods, what a week it's been! Tuesday saw a wheel come off my car when I was driving home. No harm done to wind or limb, but the car took some damage (it's kind of hard to roll on three wheels and a brake rim). Just 5 minutes more and I'd have been home safe and sound and able to fix the damn thing without all the expense and bother I've got to go through now. Wednesday was spent sorting the matter of insurance out, Thursday saw the day job turn into a total PITA. Sooooo, that's why the blog entries have been a li'l sparse of late.

Rant over ;)

Anyways...

The collaboration effort is coming on apace. Everyone's working hard. I have a title, I have a synopsis which has met universal approval. This weekend - I shall make a beginning!

Some interesting work is afoot...

In the last few days I've been engaged with a band of fellow authors in plotting a whole series of books in a collaborative project. The sheer creativity and scope of knowledge they display leaves me breathless - and excited to be involved!

It's early days, so I'll say no more. In the meantime I continue my solo writing projects, and wait for a decision on a recently submitted work.

'Tis done! 'Tis finished - well, apart from a few minor goofs. I now have a funtioning website! Check it out at http://ajaymatthews.com

Ahh, bliss! :)

It has been a trying couple o' days...

I've been attempting to create a new website. Everything looks fine on the PC, all the pages link nicely, the pictures and images are in their rightful places - yet when I upload, nothing looks right and nothing works properly - well, except the hit counter.

It will be done. It will be finished!

The Ninth Wave

~~ cover art by Laura Givens ~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cassie's dead – but her troubles have only just begun. And her lover Craig will do anything to get her back – even take on a marauding god…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter One

"Stand on the shore," Cassie O'Neill said, shading her eyes from the harsh sunlight. "Look out to sea. That's when you know you're on another world."
She and her lover, Craig Lowell stood on the edge of a frozen beach of mixed sand and gravel that trended down the inner length of a long, curved peninsula. Around them, the jumbled mass of pack ice glowed yellow beneath the lurid noon blaze of Solace, star of Orpheus. In the deeper water near the horizon, huge, fantastically carved icebergs loomed like fairytale castles. The rich scent of salt and seaweed hung heavy in the cold air.
Craig skimmed another stone onto the open stretch of water in the large hole they had found in the ice. The tiny pebble flew straight and true for hundreds of meters, smacking lightly off the slow ocean surge that rolled under the pack ice. Three long skips, then, when it was little more than a distant speck on the shimmering water, the lighter-than-Earth gravity of Orpheus finally claimed the stone.
"Your Mom knew what she was talking about," Craig said as he crunched over the snow-covered sand toward her. He took her in his arms and stared down at her, his big blue eyes sparkling with warmth. "I'm only sorry I never had a chance to meet her," he said softly.
"I'm sorry too. She would've liked you." She rubbed her hands over his chest as she smiled up at him. He bent his head, kissing her tenderly. Cassie’s nipples hardened and a rush of warmth flooded through her pussy. She melted against him, her breasts aching, pressing her lips avidly on his, flicking her tongue lightly over his. He tightened his strong arms, pulling her closer, as he nuzzled her neck, his breath gusting hot over her skin.
She pulled away slowly, closing her eyes for a moment, her heart racing. Damn, but the man could kiss! If they didn't have to unload the drones, she'd drag him into the ATV right now and rip off his clothes. She opened her eyes, ignoring his knowing grin, and turned away.
"Work first, you bad man," she said, injecting a note of mock disapproval in her tone, "but you better believe you're going to give me a rain check!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Ninth Wave - Out now at Loose ID! Click the link below...

http://www.loose-id.com/searchresult.aspx?CategoryID=58

Here's something I found whilst trawling through my archives today. It's a souvenir of the time I worked in the housing office of the local town council. Enjoy!

Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. Logged by the Housing Association.

1. I want some repairs done to my gas stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. ...and their 18 year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
3. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
4. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
7. I request permission to move my drawers in the kitchen.
8. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% are crumbling away and the rest are just plain filthy.
9. I am still having problems with smoke in my back passage.
10. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Our lavatory seat broke in half and is in three pieces.
13. Will you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
14. I wish to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is not only unsightly but dangerous I'm sure.
16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
19. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.
21. My bush needs trimming round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
22. ...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the house and I just can't take it any more.

Computers - can't live without 'em, but can't exactly love 'em either! Mine developed awful technical complications a month back and I've only recently gotten it back to something approaching normal operations. My mantra now is "Back-up, back-up and back-up again." Believe me, it saves a heck of a lot of heartache and avoids a lot of wasted work.

Going for weeks without writing whilst the machine was fixed became rather painful! Now it's back, and I can get moving. I do love to write. I love to create new worlds and appealing characters, which I hope will give pleasure to all who read my work.

Today I began a new novel, a vampire-oriented romantica which has been banging around my head for a couple of years. Progress (so far) is good, at 2,500 words today. I don't quite know how long it'll eventually be; I'm a "pantzer," so it's anyone's guess. As a second string project, I have a sci-fi novel underway. When I run out of steam on the one, I can turn to the other and make progress. So many stories, so little time...

Ajay's Blogspot

Mr. Grey and the Hotel Ghosts.

This is my new novel, launched on Monday 6th February 2006 at Liquid Silver Books! Many folks have liked the intriguing excerpt selected by Tina Burns, and praised the excellent cover design by April Martinez.

*

When she has to sell a haunted hotel in New York City, Claudia Mackenzie calls on the best advisor around - British ghost hunter Martin Grey. Expecting a super-nerd, what she gets is a tall, handsome guy with a sexy accent who plucks all the right heartstrings!

Together they tackle the mystery of the Chestnut Mansion Hotel, a mystery that takes them back in time to witness a bitter family feud, murder, and the theft of an heirloom. As events unfold it soon seems it's not only ghosts they have to worry about! A real-life enemy is on their trail. Can their growing closeness give them the strength to face the danger?

*

Excerpt...

Claudia leaned on the table and read aloud from the newspaper in front of her.

"'Joseph Cloverdale, Captain, 104th New York Regiment, late of Wilmington, North Carolina. Died in the course of saving lives during a terrible fire at the Chestnut Mansion Hotel. Buried at Our Lady of Grace cemetery, New York City, 12th February, 1863. Given a public funeral with full military honors in tribute to his heroism.""

They were in the public library, checking the newspaper archives. The warm, dry, unemotional atmosphere of the library seemed a million miles removed from the upheaval generated by their experiences of the night. By some instinctive, tacit agreement, neither Martin or Claudia yet acknowledged what had happened. Neither felt ready to confront it.

"Any mention of his wife?" Martin asked.

"She survived the fire unscathed. At the funeral they gave her the flag which draped his coffin. There's a daguerreotype picture of the scene."

"It would have been a comfort, I suppose, knowing her husband died saving others instead of taking lives in battle."

Claudia nodded somberly. "Yeah, I guess. Here, it goes on to mention the fire itself. '"Suspected to be arson, due to the sudden onset and the speed with which it spread."" And here: "'Following an incident at the ball given in honor of the 104th Regiment, James Cloverdale, estranged brother of the deceased, was arrested. He later escaped from temporary military custody with the aid of fellow Southern sympathizers.""

"Interesting," Martin commented.

"Isn't it, though? And here: "'Senator Murdoch of Ohio, a sponsor of the deceased Captain, sees the mark of Cain on James Cloverdale in the foul deed which took the life of a gallant officer. He berates the bloody band of Southern agitators present in the shadows of the city and calls upon the mayor and governor to sweep them from the city."" She grimaced. "Trust a politician to make capital out of a disaster. They never change."

"I thought he was an oily sort at the time," Martin remarked, then flushed and cleared his throat.

"Yeah, so did I." Claudia didn't quite meet his eye. "Oh, damn it, Martin!" She sighed and closed the folder then turned to face him squarely. "We can't dance around this until the end of time. Those people in the past; Joseph and Claire Cloverdale. Were we them or not?"

"I think we were just along for the ride." Martin shrugged. "I wasn't aware of Joseph knowing I was there in his head. Did you sense anything from Claire?"

"Not a peep. But I could see everything, feel everything; sense her emotions. She sure loved her husband," she added quietly.

"And he loved her."

Claudia's lips twitched. "He was good in bed, too!"

"Er...yes. And so was she."

They looked at each other.

The librarian emerged from her office to throw them out just before they totally collapsed from laughing.

* * * *

If you want more, go buy the book!

http://www.liquidsilverbooks.com/books/mrgreyandthehotelghosts.htm

* * * *

The Hotel Ghost's storyline had run through my mind for more years than I care to count, evolving slowly to its present form. With luck and a following wind, it'll be the first of many romantica adventures featuring Martin Grey and Claudia Mackenzie. The next, a full novel, is just about ready to roll out, and the third is in draft form. Watch this space...