Here's something I found whilst trawling through my archives today. It's a souvenir of the time I worked in the housing office of the local town council. Enjoy!

Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. Logged by the Housing Association.

1. I want some repairs done to my gas stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. ...and their 18 year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
3. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
4. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
7. I request permission to move my drawers in the kitchen.
8. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% are crumbling away and the rest are just plain filthy.
9. I am still having problems with smoke in my back passage.
10. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Our lavatory seat broke in half and is in three pieces.
13. Will you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
14. I wish to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is not only unsightly but dangerous I'm sure.
16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
19. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.
21. My bush needs trimming round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
22. ...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the house and I just can't take it any more.