So I got to do something besides write, right?

From time to time I go back to an old hobby, painting miniature metal figurines. Above are a pair of beauties I painted up for friends. I proudly present "GI Josie" and "The Wanton Witch."

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
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"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8
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"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4

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"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5

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"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6

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"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4

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"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7

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"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.

My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"

Emily - age 8

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"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7

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"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"

Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

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"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday"

Noelle - age 7

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"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6

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"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8

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"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - age 6

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"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5

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"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt."

Chris - age 7

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"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4

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"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4

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"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

Karen - age 7

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"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8

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And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a recent poll of 1,000 Americans 57% recognized Harry Potter, but fewer than 50% recognized British Prime Minister Tony Blair - in spite of his buddy-buddy relationship with President Bush. This is quite right and proper too, as on the global scale of things Harry Potter is by far the more important figure.

And no, I'm not being sarcastic ;)

Ever wonder what your partner is really saying? Here is what they say, and what it really means:

Did you come? == Because I didn't.

I have something to tell you. == Get tested.

I'm a Romantic. == I'm poor.

I'll give you a call. == I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.

Trust me. == I'm cheating on you.

I love you. == You're a good lay.

I think we should just be friends. == You're ugly.

Haven't I seen you before? == Nice ass.

I want to make love to you. == Let's fuck.

Was it good for you? == I'm insecure about my manhood.

We need to talk. == I'm pregnant.

I had a wonderful time last night. == Who the hell are you?

I've been thinking a lot. == You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I've learned a lot from you. == Next!

I want a commitment. == I'm sick of my dildo.

I think we should see other people. == I have been seeing other people.

Let's get married. == Now can we fuck?

We don't have to do anything until you are ready. == Put out or get out.

I feel it's time to express our love for each other. == Give me head.

I still think about you. == I miss the sex.

Is there something wrong? == Is it supposed to be this soft?

You're so mature. == I hope you're eighteen.

Yes...Yes..."scream!" == Aren't you done yet?

A man wrote this response…

"I need some space" = Without you in it.

"It's not the size that counts." = Wow! I didn't know they made them that small.

"I just like big cars." = I have an incredibly small penis

"I could never want anyone else but you." = I've given up hope of ever finding anything better

"I'm a social drinker." = One drink and I'm singing Boogie Shoes on top of a table

"I love when you look into my eyes when we're making love." = Dude, you're creeping me out!

"Sure honey, I'd love to have a threesome" = Our third can be my divorce lawyer

"So, how was your day?" = I've run out anything interesting to read to pass the time until I can ask you for sex.

"Yups, it's a real diamond." = So shut up already!

"We have an understanding." = We understand enough to not talk to each other

"Do you think you wanna have kids someday?" = Cuz you got one coming in about 8 months

"Let's get married!" = Muhahahahaha, now I have you in my clutches!

"Have fun at your bachelor party!" = Better enjoy the tits you see cuz they're gonna be the last ones you see for a long time.

"Oooh, that sounds like a great way to spice up our sex life." = Not on your life!

"What time is it?" = Gods you're boring!

"I have an early morning." = Of getting the hell away from you as fast as I can.

"It's not you, it's me." = It's YOU!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Modern times.

Once again a bunch of lunatics seem to want to impose their will on the people of Britain. Flights from the UK have been disrupted because of a critical-level terrorist threat to destroy ten airliners bound for America with all aboard.

These people, whoever they are and whatever their aims, have failed to do more than annoy the public. They have failed to do more than annoy and irritate me. I have good friends in the USA, and when I wish to travel to visit them, I shall do so.

Also interviewed this month -

guest author

Kayelle Allen

http://ajaymatthews.com

Interview with Celine Chatillon on my website!

Go to:- http://ajaymatthews.com

Out Now

at

http://www.liquidsilverbooks.com

Out tomorrow

at

Liquid Silver Books!

Back in the UK...

I'm back home again, after the Coach Journey from Hell. Five hours in a coach lacking air-con and a functioning toilet? Ewww! No fun!

Oh well, 'tis over, and I'm gradually getting over the jet-lag and rejoining the land of the living =) I had a great time in the USA, and look forward to being there again. It was fun marching out with the 78th Frazer's Highlanders, although it was far from cool weather! I'll post some pics here and on my website tomorrow.

Back in the 21st Century once more...

I'm back, battle-scarred and reekin' of black powder smoke from the re-enactment event with the 78th Frazer Highlanders at Theataki at Bourbonnais, Il. Even though we were camped-out between the trees, the heat was gods-awful and I was really glad to be wearing a kilt =) The only guys who would've been cooler than us were those playing the part of the native warriors, who weren't wearing much of anything that I could see...

A good time was had by all, with many Frenchmen killed and aye, all the better for it, laddie. I bowed out of the last battle of the weekend as it was wayyyy too hot for my un-acclimated English blood (know your limits, folks!), but I took some excellent photographs of the action which I'll post here and /or on my website in the next few weeks.

http://ajaymatthews.com

One idiot of an "officer" presumed to criticize my British accent, saying it was so bad it was unbelievable! =) I would've offered to show him my passport but quite frankly, his reputation for being a pathetic twit had preceeded him - so I didn't bother wasting my breath. And we all know the reason why he set off that cannon at midnight on Saturday, waking the whole camp...

But the rest of the folks were great! If I needed any guidance with uniform, weaponry and accoutrements there was always someone happy to help. If I needed an explanation of an historical detail of the 1750-60's the knowledge was there. The same willingness was extended to the many visitors who came down to the camp to look around, which I know they appreciated.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Update!

My new book, Mr. Grey and the Spirit from the Sky is published on Monday 24th July! I'll be blogging next Monday on Liquid Silver SExpressions too, and I may run a competition (jet lag permitting) to celebrate. Stay tuned for details...

Coming Soon...

My new book Mr. Grey and the Spirit from the Sky will be released in mid-August! Stay posted for details...

www.liquidsilverbooks.com

Another Review!

"I highly recommend Mr. Grey and the Hotel Ghosts. The author has a real talent."

Annie, for Joyfully Reviewed.

www.joyfullyreviewed.com/reviews

A Review...

Enchanted Ramblings - Review of Mr. Grey and the Hotel Ghosts by Autiotalo.

"An unusual and original plot, beautifully written with considerable skill and charm."

Six Magical Wands awarded!

To read the rest of the review, click the link!

http://www.enchantedramblings.net/reviews/review0116.html

BUTTER vs. MARGARINE

DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter? Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

Both have the same amount of calories. Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.

Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.

Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!

Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.

Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.

And now, for Margarine...

Very high in trans-fatty acids... Triple risk of coronary heart disease.

Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol). Lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol) ....

Increases the risk of cancers by up to five fold... Lowers quality of breast milk... Decreases immune response... Decreases insulin response.

And here is the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING! Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC...

This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

YOU can try this yourself: purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things: no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something) . It does not rot or smell differently. Because it has no nutritional value, nothing will grow on it, even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

Share This With Your Friends.....(Butter them up!)

FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (Lovers of Words)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He didn't break into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Modern Times...

Some modern office jargon and their definitions =)

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example or any thing having to do with Michael Jackson. Add any reality show such as Wife Swap, Super Nanny, etc.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Also known as the School of the Bigger Hammer.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email, by mistake)

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks. (Love this one!)

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

20. VOLUNTOLD: When your supervisor or someone above that person asks you to do something while making it very clear your answer must be "yes."

Good Girls/Bad Girls-- A man's response…

Good girls would never be arrested

Bad Girls own their own handcuffs.

Good girls mind their manners and say "Please, come with me."

Bad Girls mind their manners and say "Please, cum in me!"

Good girls own at least one leather belt

Bad girls own at least one leather whip

Good girls pull their hair back to keep it out of their face while out with friends

Bad girls have someone else pull their hair back to keep it out of their face while puking

Good girls rarely drink

Bad girls always swallow

Good girls can be won over with chocolate in a box

Bad girls will win you over with chocolate on their bodies

Good girls wait until marriage for sex

Bad girls wait until they know your name.... usually

Good girls want a house in the suburbs with 2.3 kids and a dog

Bad girls get those after stealing the good girl's husband.

Good girls get pregnant

Bad girls get knocked up

Good girls have mirrors in their bathroom for make up

Bad girls have mirrors on their bedroom ceilings...

...And some more.


"I need some space" = Without you in it.

"It's not the size that counts." = Wow! I didn't know they made them that small.

"I just like big cars." = I have an incredibly small penis

"I could never want anyone else but you." = I've given up hope of ever finding anything better

"I'm a social drinker." = One drink and I'm singing Boogie Shoes on top of a table

"I love when you look into my eyes when we're making love." = Dude, you're creeping me out!

"Sure honey, I'd love to have a threesome" = Our third can be my divorce lawyer

"So, how was your day?" = I've run out anything interesting to read to pass the time until I can ask you for sex.

"Yups, it's a real diamond." = So shut up already!

"We have an understanding." = We understand enough to not talk to each other

"Do you think you wanna have kids someday?" = Cuz you got one coming in about 8 months

"Let's get married!" = Muhahahahaha, now I have you in my clutches!

"Have fun at your bachelor party!" = Better enjoy the tits you see cuz they're gonna be the last ones you see for a long time.

"Oooh, that sounds like a great way to spice up our sex life." = Not on your life!

"What time is it?" = Gods you're boring!

"I have an early morning." = Of getting the hell away from you as fast as I can.

"It's not you, it's me." = It's YOU!

Have a nice day!

Sexual Translations


Ever wonder what your partner is really saying? Here is what they say, and what it really means:

Did you come? == Because I didn't.

I have something to tell you. == Get tested.

I'm a Romantic. == I'm poor.

I'll give you a call. == I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.

Trust me. == I'm cheating on you.

I love you. == You're a good lay.

I think we should just be friends. == You're ugly.

Haven't I seen you before? == Nice ass.

I want to make love to you. == Let's fuck.

Was it good for you? == I'm insecure about my manhood.

We need to talk. == I'm pregnant.

I had a wonderful time last night. == Who the hell are you?

I've been thinking a lot. == You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I've learned a lot from you. == Next!

I want a commitment. == I'm sick of my dildo.

I think we should see other people. == I have been seeing other people.

Let's get married. == Now can we fuck?

We don't have to do anything until you are ready. == Put out or get out.

I feel it's time to express our love for each other. == Give me head.

I still think about you. == I miss the sex.

Is there something wrong? == Is it supposed to be this soft?

You're so mature. == I hope you're eighteen.

Yes...Yes...YESSS "scream!" == Aren't you done yet..?

Everyday thoughts...

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-

20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

26. My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).

27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

29. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!

30. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

31. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when he Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier".

Have A Happy Day!